A Haters Guide to Musical Theatre: The Beautiful Game

Title: The Beautiful Game.
Music: Andrew Lloyd Webber
Lyrics: Ben Elton
What’s it about: Teenagers playing soccer in Northern Ireland.
What’s it really about: An original love story amidst religious intolerance in 1969’s Belfast.
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The Beautiful Game – Lyrics

Measure your life in football seasons
Feel the passion and feel the heat.
Football is the only reason
God almighty gave us feet.


Buy the ref a flipping guide dog!
D’you call that a bleeding pass?
Kick it out mate! What a ball hog!
Dozy wanker shift your arse!

Two nil!

You stupid plonker.
We’re going to conquer.
Come and have a go.
Have some of that.
You think you’re hard but we know you’re crap.
Let’s have another.
Just like the other.


Viva. The Beautiful Game.
Raise your voice for the people’s sport.
Long live the bountiful game.
Those who play. Those who support.
Sick as a parrot.
Over the Moon.
A couple more for
A wonderful game.
A magical game.
Thank God for football.

They’re our lads and we support ’em.
Come on then stick one in this time.

It isn’t a religion it’s more important.
Sacred holy and divine.

Three nil!

Nice one United
We’re all delighted.

No joy tonight, forget it again,
My boyfriend’s in love with eleven men.

All sing together,
Comrades forever.

Up yours!

Viva. The Beautiful Game.
It’s what Saturdays are for.
Ooh ah. The triumph and pain.
Work to live but live to score
We’re on our way now
To Wemberly.
For the cup it’s
The classical game
The marvellous game.
Thank God for football.

It’s an obsession the reason we’re here,
‘cos it’s better than sex and it’s better than beer so
Viva! The emerald team!
Mother Mary’s Irish sons.
Viva! The boys in green!
Shout for Ireland’s youngest guns
Green is the colour
Soccer the game.
A thousand more for
The Boys in Green.
The Emerald team;

Playing for Ireland, playing for Ireland!


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A Haters Guide to Musical Theatre is a series of easily digestible songs from musicals I love. Hopefully this will aid people in giving this genre a try. This guide will not include shows like The Phantom of the Opera or Les Misérables, as I consider these hardcore, nor shows like The Lion King or Mamma Mia which I don’t even count as musicals.

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