A Haters Guide to Musical Theatre: The Beautiful Game

Title: The Beautiful Game.
Music: Andrew Lloyd Webber
Lyrics: Ben Elton
What’s it about: Teenagers playing soccer in Northern Ireland.
What’s it really about: An original love story amidst religious intolerance in 1969’s Belfast.
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The Beautiful Game – Lyrics

Company:
Measure your life in football seasons
Feel the passion and feel the heat.
Football is the only reason
God almighty gave us feet.

Goal!

Buy the ref a flipping guide dog!
D’you call that a bleeding pass?
Kick it out mate! What a ball hog!
Dozy wanker shift your arse!

Two nil!

You stupid plonker.
We’re going to conquer.
Come and have a go.
Have some of that.
You think you’re hard but we know you’re crap.
Let’s have another.
Just like the other.

COME ON!

Viva. The Beautiful Game.
Raise your voice for the people’s sport.
Long live the bountiful game.
Those who play. Those who support.
Sick as a parrot.
Over the Moon.
Score!
A couple more for
A wonderful game.
A magical game.
Thank God for football.

Girls:
They’re our lads and we support ’em.
Come on then stick one in this time.

Company:
It isn’t a religion it’s more important.
Sacred holy and divine.

Three nil!

Nice one United
We’re all delighted.

Girls:
No joy tonight, forget it again,
My boyfriend’s in love with eleven men.

Company:
All sing together,
Comrades forever.

Up yours!

Viva. The Beautiful Game.
It’s what Saturdays are for.
Ooh ah. The triumph and pain.
Work to live but live to score
We’re on our way now
To Wemberly.
Up
For the cup it’s
The classical game
The marvellous game.
Thank God for football.

It’s an obsession the reason we’re here,
‘cos it’s better than sex and it’s better than beer so
Viva! The emerald team!
Mother Mary’s Irish sons.
Viva! The boys in green!
Shout for Ireland’s youngest guns
Green is the colour
Soccer the game.
Score!
A thousand more for
The Boys in Green.
The Emerald team;

Playing for Ireland, playing for Ireland!

GOAL!

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A Haters Guide to Musical Theatre is a series of easily digestible songs from musicals I love. Hopefully this will aid people in giving this genre a try. This guide will not include shows like The Phantom of the Opera or Les Misérables, as I consider these hardcore, nor shows like The Lion King or Mamma Mia which I don’t even count as musicals.

Israel Tax Authority Presents: Government Funded Jewish Mother

Is marriage really something that should be incentivised? And where the hell are all the small government conservatives when we’re talking about Washington getting into the yenta business?
 
   – – President Bartlet (Martin Sheen) – The West Wing s03e20

Israeli Income Tax Form Addressed to the Registered SpouseSunday will be the last day for submitting your income tax report in Israel and this gives me an opportunity to point to the government’s annual act-like-a-Jewish-mother ceremony: On its form numbered 135, the government insists on referring to the person submitting it as ‘The Registered Spouse‘ (Ben HaZug HaRashum). This appears three times just on its initial page, with an additional footnote explaining this ‘registered spouse’ term includes unmarried and separated people.
Take a moment and meditate on that: Through its official form the State of Israel looks at its citizenry and only sees couples: a ‘registered spouse’ and his or her partner, or a ‘registered spouse’ with no partner. As far as my country is concerned, it’s not that I am single as much as I haven’t paired up yet.

Yes, just like The Simpsons’ Are we there yet routine, the Jewish state forces me to a yenta dialog that goes something like this:

– It’s 2008, are you married yet?
– No.
 
– It’s 2009 already, are you married yet?
– No!
 
– It’s 2010, are you married now?
– No! Stop asking me that!

We Find the Defendant Guilty of Being Stupid

Measuring the speed in which rumors spread, it seems Israel is not much bigger than a Shtetl. The latest rumor circulating in the past few days was about Israeli entertainer Dudu Topaz‘s alleged involvement in the assault of TV executive Shira Margalit. I usually assume people are innocent, until they start vehemently denying any wrongdoing. It isn’t scientific but I usually think those who try hardest to prove their innocence are usually guilty. Watching Topaz vehemently deny any wrongdoing on Channel 2, I thought it was strange he mentioned driving to his ex-wife who ‘lives near Margalit’. Why would I care where he was? Up to that moment I assumed he hasn’t done anything wrong, so why try to charm me with irrelevant facts? He could have been on the moon for all I care, and still could have hired someone to attack Margalit, so how confessing to his whereabouts contribute to his efforts of dismissing these rumors?

Apparently, I was not the only one noticing it, as today’s Maariv took this unnecessary sentence and made it into a full page article (an extra-large holiday-edition page), including a street map that is supposed to prove Topaz had no business entering Margalit’s street. If only Topaz had watched this presentation by professor James Duane of the Regent University School of Law in Virginia titled ‘In Praise of the Fifth Amendment: Why No Criminal Suspect Should Ever Talk to the Police‘:
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8z7NC5sgik

i want join mussad agent ship pls reply

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Not too keen about blogging about blogging, but I’ll make an exception and point to three bizarre comments left on my blog:
This guy saw the above image and completely missed my commentary about the resemblance between the two products:

I saw your beautifull water dispenser, that is the great set to purify the drinking water, and sweep an horribel healt problem. Then I like to represent your company here in Brasil, and I have a certainty that will be a great sell show

This guy made a compelling argument, and all it took him was 4,621 words. Since I disemvoweled the comment before publishing it, I’ll save you the trouble: basically, everything is the fault of the Jews!

And last, this guy figured he can join the Mossad by posting a request on my blog:

i want join mussad agent ship pls reply

 

P.S.
I highly recommend using WP-SpamFree for your WordPress blog, as it will weed out every single automated spam comment. 14,487 and counting… It only deals with spam comments, though, not with strange comments…

P.S.2.
If you want to join the Israeli secret intelligence service, please visit mossad.gov.il

I May Not Know Much About Art, But I Know What I Like!

MusraraMix 9 - Program in PDF format [Hebrew/English]The MusraraMix Festival in Jerusalem is in its 9th year and this year’s theme is Avoda Zara (Foreign Work/Idolatry). The festival that starts today is an initiative of the Musrara School of Photography, Media and New Music, and is produced in cooperation with the neighborhood residents. The festival showcases experimental art works in photography, installation, video art and performance – along with a central stage that will feature musical performances from Israel and abroad.

Admission is 10 NIS, an unbeatable price even in the likely case that you will hate half the artworks. Click here to download the Hebrew/English program in PDF format.

Here’s a quick taste from last year’s festival:
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQw36Sa4bTs

RSS is Dead – Twitter Killed It

When I first read Steve Gillmor‘s piece on TechCrunchIT titled “Rest in Peace, RSS” I thought it was moronic. After thinking about it for two weeks, I am not so sure anymore:

“It’s time to get completely off RSS and switch to Twitter. RSS just doesn’t cut it anymore. The River of News has become the East River of news, which means it’s not worth swimming in if you get my drift.
 
I haven’t been in Google Reader for months. Google Reader is the dominant RSS reader. I’ve done the math: Twitter 365 Google Reader 0. All my RSS feeds are in Google Reader. I don’t go there any more. Since all my feeds are in Google Reader and I don’t go there, I don’t use RSS anymore.”

Read the entire article here.

Doggone It! That’s Some Fine-Lookin’ Wedding Invitations

A rather cool wedding invitation landed in my mailbox, featuring the young couple’s very own dog. Be excited, be, be excited.

Front:
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Back:
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Photographer: Asaf Elboher

Top 10 Signs Your Website is Stuck in the 1990s

Page under construction – Every website is a work in progress, there is no need to state the obvious. The only thing these ‘under construction’ pages do well is attract attention to the fact that the webmaster was too lazy to complete the task.
 
Case in point: the official police.gov.il website whose emergercy lines [sic] page in English kindly asks you to wait for its construction. [Now fixed]
police.gov.il
 
IE only website – the unspoken rule amongst lazy webmasters is that if a website looks nice in Internet Explorer – that should suffice. This leads to websites with shoddy codes that don’t show up well on other browsers.
 
Case in point: the Airport Authority’s official website iaa.gov.il would occasionally flat out refuse to serve visitors with ‘incompatible’ browsers.
iaa.gov.il
 
Recommended screen resolution – a classic relic of the nineties, this is a continuation of the notion that a website looking fine on the webmaster’s screen is enough. Can you imagine someone changing their screen resolution in order to view a website properly?
 
Case in point: apparently the Ministry of Communications’ website moc.gov.il imagines your doing just that!
moc.gov.il
 
A bunch of links – back when websites were in the thousands and search engines were being built, we relied on the last website to direct us to the next one, as visiting websites was the end – not the means. But that was then…
 
Case in point: The Ministry of Industry, Trade and Labor worries you may be lost, and so they post on moital.gov.il a whole buncha links, including a link to their own website!
moital.gov.il
 
Clip art overdose – before website design was a profession, style or taste were not a prerequisite and so a renaissance of ‘functional’ (read: hideous) websites ensued. Taking a generic photo and making it into a button was common practice back then.
 
Case in point: The Ministry of Defense trying to get away with a generic handshake image on their mod.gov.il homepage. [Now fixed]
mod.gov.il
 
Congratulations, it’s a portal – when the virtual world was shiny and new, people thought if they’re already inventing a new image why not call their site a ‘portal’, a gateway to the internet, as this might fool visitors into thinking it is bigger and more important than it really is.
 
Case in point: bestlife.co.il is not a tiny website but a ‘Best Life Portal’, an entrance to a world of knowledge.
bestlife.co.il
 
Make this your homepage – dot-com era delusions of grandeur: my site is not just important, it is so relevant to your life that I will make it easier for the scores of people flocking to make it their homepage – and add this button.
 
Case in point: the Ministry of Environmental Protection thinks sviva.gov.il is where the citizenry start their day.
sviva.gov.il
 
e-shops with foggy ‘About’ pages – Unlike the real world where customers can easily evaluate the store they entered, there are precautionary steps that online shoppers must take, like noticing an ‘About’ page with the company’s vision but no physical location or phone number.
 
Case in point: With zero real-world details, shoptime.co.il puts customers at the company’s mercy. [Now closed]
shoptime.co.il
 
e-shops without prices – a relic of an era when customers had no power and comparison shopping meant calling stores hoping they don’t have a no-quoting-prices-over-the-phone policy. These businesses may as well put up a banner saying: ‘You will pay more here!’
 
Case in point: galcontrol.com wants you to call them, coz you can’t get the nice-face discount while browsing online.
galcontrol.com
 
Companies using free hosting – Multimillion-dollar businesses that refuse to shell out 5 bucks a month for a self-hosted website, settling for a free service, here today, gone tomorrow.
 
Case in point: stockelectric.fav.co.il, the online presence of Stock Electric, which must have spent all their money on offices and warehouses and trucks, or they would have enough for a permanent online address. [Now closed]
stockelectric.fav.co.il
 

Marking the 20th Anniversary of the Tiananmen Square Massacre

Everybody recognizes the iconic Tank Man photo, but most people would not be able to say much about it or to eloquently explain the significance of the 1989 Chinese protests. As we approach June 4, 2009 which will mark the 20th anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre, I thought it would be wise to point to an excellent documentary you can watch online by PBS’ Frontline:
Tank Man | PBS.org

Israeli Newspapers Aren’t Dying – They Are Committing Suicide

[singlepic id=195 w=300 h=446 float=right]I watched a few of the first episodes of Israel’s first season of Survivor, but saw enough shots in which the female contestants’ backsides where filling up the entire screen, in order to determine this was no mistake, only another step closer to imitating the raunch culture oversees. When the Israeli media started referring to contestant Marina Kavisher as the “National Rump”, I noted to myself that this just might amount to sexual harrasment as defined by Israeli law – but kept my mouth (and keyboard) silent. As Israeli Survivor’s season 2 comes to a close, Maariv‘s fashion supplement Sig’non decided to commemorate this important event with “The Big Ass Quiz” which urges readers to match each backside with a face.

I don’t have anything particularly smart or funny to say about this. I just think this is another sign my countrymen are growing further apart from me – or vice versa.

Update: You can read this post in Hebrew here.